The Way I See It...

The Promise.

A double rainbow as seen from my open living room window (in Germany) sometime in May 2005. This photo has not been retouched.

Oh My Gawd! That is, like, so totally true!

I'm watching Robin McGraw on the television right now. She’s on her husband’s show promoting her new book. Morgan Fairchild is her guest. They’re both talking about how they LOVE being in their fifties and how they feel so beautiful ("I think beauty comes from within" - says one as the other nods in agreement).

Of course it doesn't hurt that they both are actually physically beautiful. And have access to some of the world’s most advanced beauty products.

But if Morgan Fairchild and Robin McGraw want us to believe their beauty comes purely from within, well then okay.

Shure.

For Hire...

...One worn out woman.

My skills include nagging, lecturing for no good reason, and complaining. I am proficient in sarcasm, mimicry, and guilt application. I excel at ignoring blathering idiots, spewing venomous filth at a moment’s notice, and slamming doors. Certified in The Silent Treatment and The Cold Shoulder.

Willing to relocate. In fact, I insist on it.

Qualification:
20 years (total) marriage.

German village: Daylight and Moonlight

Lamaze Breathing or Venting

WOULD IT KILL YOU TO BE NICE?? WHAT, WAS YOUR FACE PARALYZED IN AN EXPLOSIVE CAR WRECK AND NOW YOU CAN’T SMILE?? DO YOU SUFFER FROM A RARE OCULAR VIRUS THAT PREVENTS YOU MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING?? DID YOUR FATHER BEAT THE HELL OUT OF YOU EVERYTIME YOU SAID A KIND WORD??

They're Coming To Take Me Away Hee Hee

I went looking for a Catholic priest the other day. I wanted to ask if I could change my patron saint. Not that I don’t like mine, you understand, it’s just that I’ve been, well, keeping her very busy lately and I thought I’d give her a break. She is only one saint and praying for me must be a monumental task, especially considering the amount of prayer requests I put in to her:

Old Journal Entry - Posted especially for Lisa and Teri

Arrival in Germany – July 2000

*Monday, July 17th
Tired but excited. Factories, diesel fuel, traffic jams on the highway. Crossed over the Rhein River. Whoa! Ramstein doesn't look familiar. Highways are dirtier than I remember. Try to remember. I think the buildings down the road from here are where we went Trick-or-Treating. BX, Commissary…nothing is familiar. Why isn’t it more familiar?

Tried to stay awake. Made it to 6 pm. Slept until 8 pm, when Elizabeth woke me up. Off and on sleep.

Bob-bob-bobbin' Along

So I stop by Publix the other day to pick up something for dinner. I’m looking in the On Sale Today! display case near the entrance when I hear a sing-song voice behind me.

“I have a surprise for you.”

Seeks a Fun-loving, Middle-aged Woman to Share Long, Romantic Walks on the Beach…

I’m not a Mommy mom anymore. I don’t have little ones drooling cracker juice on my feet while I try to cook. I’m past the poop stories (but Kevin and I are getting older so you never know) and my idea of a play date is when Kevin and I are on one of our trips to Home Depot and I “play” like we’re on a date.

Just Airin' Some Laundry

Kevin has owned his car for almost 5 years and has NEVER let me drive it.

I’m thinking a psychiatrist would have field day with that one.

Quick! Someone call the feminists!

I solemnly swear to tell the truth...

The car place called today. They wanted to know how, on a scale from one to ten (one being terrible, ten being fantastic), I would rate the service during my recent visit.

I quickly began the mental calculations:

To the Girl at the Drive-thru Window:

and then YOU say, “Thank you. Have a nice day!”

Has Anyone Seen My Spine?

People don't listen anymore. And I'm not talking about husbands and children. I'm talking about real people. Like the guy at the car service place. I called to make an appointment to have the oil changed.
“No problem’” he says, “Come in at eleven.”

Okay.